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The curse of (such immodest) intelligence
Have just been chatting to my oh, ever so lovely bf (he said he was going to read it on the way to college tomorrow, so I should be extra nice to him!) and I realised that I’m feeling a bit shitty tonight. Few reasons for it (partly him, but whatever… hehe), but one overriding one.
I don’t know how many of (the very, very, VERY few of, I would expect) you can relate to this or know the feeling, and I sincerely apologise for my immodesty here, but as someone who is generally pretty intelligent (SORRY. I actually hate writing it (like being a self-proclaimed entrepreneur), but no other way to do so!), I constantly get the feeling of dissatisfaction with my abilities, success and achievements. It’s so fucking awful.
Today, this feeling was brought on as a result of chancing upon my other half’s website from when he was younger. (I don’t think I’ll link it here, but let me know if you want to see it.) He was about nine when he made this website. And it’s a good website, because it has content and really, really decent content at that. The design isn’t quite (at all) there and it’s all cobbled together with a bunch of Bravenet plugins, etc. but it WORKS and puts my efforts of that age to shame. (Though I did have a 100% homemade forms auth login thing.)
Small update: he’s fine with me linking it, so here it is: http://www.unmod.co.uk/
Anyway. Being the type of person I am, I am constantly dissatisfied with myself and what I do and constantly feel that I’m not doing enough and that I need to work just that little bit harder. I’ve also never, ever had any kind of publicity from any of the work I’ve done, which is really, really disappointing because I work so hard on so much stuff and I just do more and more and I fear (my Mum keeps telling me this, but I haven’t really been listening to her) that I’m going to run myself into the ground trying to do all this stuff (atm, I’ve got about 25 project that I want to do, simultaneously working on about 7) and I know I shouldn’t do this and I should just wait and one day I’ll really get my “break”, but it’s frustrating and upsetting, solely for the reason that I’m never satisfied with myself. Maybe even when I do get my “break”, I probably STILL won’t be happy. I don’t know what to do about it. :(
If you’ve got any suggestions to stop me being so pathetic or how to be happy with myself or whatever, please (srsly, please) email me, Tweet me or leave a comment below or send something to my “ask” or “submit” page or whatever.
Don’t really want to write any more about this. Can’t really remember even what I’ve said so far, but I’ve probably got across my general feelings, which I guess is the point of this anyway.
P.S.: Also, does anyone know of any way that I can add inline “notes” to my posts to replace the constant brackets I put into my posts which can then be hovered over or whatever? (Comment below this post when reading on my blog itself if you have any ideas.)
P.P.S.: Btw, I just sent the people who are doing the gov.uk website an email saying that I’m desperate to work for/with them on it and I’m hoping something happens with it. Wish me luck!
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jamesbillingham posted this
